Never a thought.

Once upon a time I made a decision; a life changing decision.  I chose to quit smoking.  I was successful (thanks to Chantix) and I don't wish for them, crave them, or yearn for them.  When I am stressed, or tired, or anxious, or unable to deal, they are no longer my first thought.  I feel healed.  I feel whole.  I feel like if I could zoom in and do a driveby of my lungs that they would have their color back.  They woud be pink and thankful.  They might be a bit worse for wear, they might not be perfect, but they would be healing and breathing and full of life.

It was a difficult decision to make.  A decision that once made, was set in stone. Solid in my mind and solid in my convictions. I just knew it was time.  So on that day I smoked my last cigarette, took my last drag, inhaled my last bit of my drug of choice, said goodbye to my best friend, and have not looked back since.  It is gone from my mind, gone forever. 

The day came and went so quickly. I didn't occur to me what day it was. I forgot to stop and think about that life-changing decision I made.  It was one of the most important days of my life. October 8th.  

It slipped by unnoticed, unremarkable, without even a thought. October 8th slipped by without even a whisper of importance.  You see it was the two-year anniversary of that faithful day.  And just like the cigarettes, it passed by without even a thought.

You've been replaced.

1 year, 9 months, and 15 days. That's how long it's been since my sanity packed its bags for the final time and actually left for good, slamming the door on the way out, and has not been seen since.

That is when I lost my one true friend I had that was able to calm me & keep me from coming unhinged. The one friend that was able to successfully lull me into feeling a bit more sane than I really am. This friend never judged me, never let me down, was always there for me. I miss my old friend.

My friend did come with some faults though. This friend was expensive to have around. Eating up my cash on a daily basis, slowly filling me with poison, and my friend really smelled bad and kept others away from me. Did I care? Hell no! God, I miss my friend.

Most days I do not think about this friend any longer. Once in awhile I have a day like today, and I wish this friend was still in my life. Where are you? Dont' you know I need you to calm me down & make me feel better? Damn me for kicking you out of my life!! What was I thinking?

However much i miss you, I really don't have the time or desire to have you back again. I have too much going on to depend on you. I am enjoying the challenge of being able to make it on my own.

Therefore here I sit. 1 year, 9 months, and 15 days since I kicked you to the curb.

I am surviving. I am hanging on. I don't need you anymore. You have been replaced with an even better friend. A more comforting friend. A friend that is actually good for me. Goodbye Marlboro Man. Hello bubble bath. We had a wonderful visit this afternoon after work, just me & my bubble bath.

You've been replaced.

I will never regret the decision to quit smoking once and for all. My meltdown this afternoon, followed by crying myself to sleep in my bubble bath was very good for me. Writing this post has been very good for me.

It just reinforces what I already know - that I have a beautiful life. I chose life when I quit smoking all those many months ago. When I do have to retreat to my tub for a good soak, I am choosing to reenergize myself. I am choosing to take care of myself. To retreat, regroup, and clear my head. When the fog clears and the tears dry up, I can see clearly that I have a beautiful life.


Today I am joining Melissa at The Inspired Room in recognizing the moments that make our life beautiful.