Baby, Oh Baby.

I grew up in a large family.  I have tons of brothers, and one lil' sis.  There are seven of us siblings in total.  During the first two weeks of December, over half of us will celebrate a birthday.  (Apparently my parents have a thing for the month of March).  The youngest will be 22 and the oldest will celebrate his 47th.  Even though we were all spread out, I loved being in a large family.   There were are so many wonderful things about it, that the good far outweighs the bad.  I decided years ago that I wanted a large family as well. 

Fast forward to 2009, and I have reached the over-ripe age of 40, and those two munchkins up there looking all cute and yummy?   Those two munchkins are now 15 and 20.  And that is it.  Just 2.  They are my blessings, and someone, somewhere chose to bless me with 2 children.  And no more than that.  I have been OK with that.  Most of the time.  Lately?  Not so much.

I am having yearnings.  My clock is starting to sound its alarm, and I am crumbling in despair.  Why?  Why?  This is what I ask myself.  "Self?  Why are torturing you?  Why do want another child?  Why do you want to start over again?"  I don't have a clear answer for that.  I can't explain it.  Sometimes I think it's my mind's way of denying that I am now in my "40's".  Part of me thinks I want another chance.  Another chance at what?  I've done a damn fine job with my kids, if I do say so myself.  Maybe another chance at doing it absolutely right?  Won't I be a better Mom at 40 than I was at 20 and 25?  Mostly I think it is because being a Mom is all I have ever known.  My baby boy arrived when I was just 19 years old.  I grew up with him.  Being a Mom has defined me for 20 years and I don't know what I will do without being a Mom.  My baby will be off to college in a couple of years and that will be that.

My husband says "You'll still be a Mom forever".  Really?  Really?  Please shut the hell up.  You are not me.  You are not the Mom.  You do not ache to feel a child growing inside of you.  You do not yearn to nurse another hungry tummy.  You do not dream about the infant, toddler, and growing up years.  I want it all again.  I want the good and the bad.  The joys and the heartaches.  The fun and the sleepless nights.  I want.  I want.  I want.

And that my friends is the problem.  HE does NOT want, and want, and want.  

I do.  He doesn't.  End of story.  End of discussion. 

Here I am.  I will love my husband and forgive him for denying me the right to be a Mom again.  I will calm myself and focus my attentions elsewhere and eventually these feelings will fade.  I will be a Mom forever.  I will love those 2 munchkins with all of my heart.  Because they are my blessings, they are my heart,  and they are my very soul.  I will love them and someday?  Someday they will give me grandchildren.  *sigh*

End of an Era

Today is a day of mourning.
Today Oprah announces the end of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Next season, 2010-2011, will be Season 25 and her last season on network TV.
The talk show began in 1986.  (I was a Senior in high school!)
She has been faithfully there for me for the past 24 years.
Say what you want about Oprah, but she is  "my guuurrrrl".
I have always loved and admired Oprah, and I will miss her.

However....do not dispair yet, oh legions of oprah fans...she won't be gone for good.
The new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) is set to debut in 2011.  It is being formed in conjunction with Discovery Channel and will take the place of Discovery Health in millions of homes across the U.S.
Maybe she'll just move the talk show over to OWN?
A girl can only hope.
*sigh*

Peace out, Girl Scout

Yep, it's that time again.  I am leaving for the weekend to attend a cheerleading/dance competition.  As I divulged a few posts back....I am a crazy cheer mom.  Well, you probably guessed the crazy part already!  Duh! 

So have a great weekend, hope you do something fun for yourselves.  Me?  I will spend 2 full days in a convention center listening to the heart thumping, headache inducing music that is a cheer routine.

So you dont' feel left out, here is a little view into my world:






Have a great weekend! 
Be back Monday!

Lordie, Lordie, Look Who's 40!

Happy Birthday Sesame Street!!

Who knew that Sesame Street and I were born the same year?  As far as I knew, Sesame Street had always been there.  I vaguely remember watching as a kid.  However, there were many years that our home was TV-less, so unfortuately Grover and Cookie Monster did not do much forming for me in my formative years.

Oddly enough the most vivid memory of Sesame Street from my childhood was from when I was about 10 years old.  For whatever reason we had a TV repairman in the house (I guess the TV had been reinstated at this point), and he was doing some tweaking to the picture with my brother and I looking on in eager anticipation of a working television.  As the guy is working away, up pops a picture-perfect image of Big Bird, and the repairman turns to my brother and I and says in his best "baby talk" voice:  "Who is that? *gasp* Is that Big Bird?  Do you like Big Bird?"

And we were all "Dude we are 9 and 10 years old,  Big Bird is sooo pre-K".   Obviously the guy didn't have kids.

By the time was son was born in 1989, Sesame Street was celebrating its 20th Birthday.  I can tell you this, Sesame Street was HUGE in my house in the early 90's.  How do you think mommy had time to talk on the phone clean house and cook if not for the magic of the gang from NYC?  My son was hooked.  h.o.o.k.e.d.  When he was a toddler all toys and gifts were Sesame Street related.  Here is a photo of him from Christmas 1990 receiving Dress Me Up Ernie.  From that day forward to be forever known as "Ernie Baby".  He went everywhere with us, and become his best bud.

Ernie-Baby even slept with him at night.  He was propped up on the pillow against the wall as the official bottle holder.  The bottle. Full of orange juice.  Yeah, ok? What was I thinking?  Nothing like letting my two-year old suck on a sugar filled, acid beverage all night long?  Eck. 

Funny thing is, he's got the best teeth ever!  All of his teeth were in at age 8, including his 12 year molars!  He rarely had a cavity growing up and never needed braces either!  Maybe I found the answer to perfect teeth, OJ.  Who knew?

Anyway, here's wishing Sesame Street a very Happy 40th Birthday!

Thank you for teaching my son that spelling, counting, and reading can be fun!

Oh yeah, and watching TV too!

And now for something a bit more cheery....

Lizzie and I made a trip to Old Navy yesterday.

We were in search of boots.

We hit the motherload.

We are completely loving all of the new cardigan boots,

slippers, and socks that are everywhere.

The best variety and display were clearly at Old Navy.

I got the bright yellow slippers in the photo above.

I am saving them for next weekend's cheer competition.

Because, yes, the rumors are true.

Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I am a Crazy Cheer Mom.

I am ecstatic that I am not the only Ohioan that wears flip-flops in the winter,

as evidenced by the Ho-Ho-Ho footwear above.

Scarves, glorious scarves.

I love color.

It makes me happy in this gray landscape of winter November.

And how's that workin for ya?

Hey there.  Did you every have the need to just rant?  Rant because if you hold it all in you might just implode?  Rant because the silence is deafening.  The gulf is wide.  The anger is your only friend.

I'm ok with that, anger being my friend, that is.  I am not ready to forgive.  I am reveling in my anger.  Right now it is keeping me strong and keeping you weak.  Do I want you to be weak?  Not necessarily, but maybe your weakness will be to you what your words were to me.  They were lonely.  They were stinging.  You suck.  Maybe my silence and unwillingness to forgive is too harsh, or maybe it is immature, or maybe it is stubborn.  Whatever it is, I dont' give a shit.  I will not apologize for my feelings.  I will not apologize for who I am. 

This is me.  This is who I have always been and it looks as if I won't be a'changin anytime in the forseeable future.  If you don't want to be my friend right now, that's ok.  I don't want to be yours either.  Forgiveness is a fickle bitch thing. Or wait, maybe that's me?  Maybe I will forgive, maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll choose to forgive eventually.  Who am I kidding?  I always forgive.  I just find it incredibly difficult to forget.  I try, it's just hard as hell.

Please think before you speak.  Take responsibility.  Realize who you are dealing with.  This is me remember?  The one who has been known to go off the deep end get a bit annoyed.  I may talk too much,  but I am damn good at silence.  Have fun with it.  My silence that is.  I know I sound harsh.  I realize I should forgive.  I've heard it all before:  "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”  Blah-dee-friggin-dah-blah-blah.  I don't care right now.  I really don't.

What am I trying to say?  Why am I rambling?  Because you have hurt me and I'm mad as hell.  I don't want the hurt to go away.  I don't want to be right or wrong.  It doesn't really matter.  I don't want to make up.  Right now I just want to be hurt, angry, alone, and free. 

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget;

the naive forgive and forget;

the wise forgive but do not forget".

And I've never been accused of being stupid or naive. When I am over it, you'll know. Until that time - you are on your own.  You don't like?  Pray for me.