Nov 24, 2009

Baby, Oh Baby.

I grew up in a large family.  I have tons of brothers, and one lil' sis.  There are seven of us siblings in total.  During the first two weeks of December, over half of us will celebrate a birthday.  (Apparently my parents have a thing for the month of March).  The youngest will be 22 and the oldest will celebrate his 47th.  Even though we were all spread out, I loved being in a large family.   There were are so many wonderful things about it, that the good far outweighs the bad.  I decided years ago that I wanted a large family as well. 

Fast forward to 2009, and I have reached the over-ripe age of 40, and those two munchkins up there looking all cute and yummy?   Those two munchkins are now 15 and 20.  And that is it.  Just 2.  They are my blessings, and someone, somewhere chose to bless me with 2 children.  And no more than that.  I have been OK with that.  Most of the time.  Lately?  Not so much.

I am having yearnings.  My clock is starting to sound its alarm, and I am crumbling in despair.  Why?  Why?  This is what I ask myself.  "Self?  Why are torturing you?  Why do want another child?  Why do you want to start over again?"  I don't have a clear answer for that.  I can't explain it.  Sometimes I think it's my mind's way of denying that I am now in my "40's".  Part of me thinks I want another chance.  Another chance at what?  I've done a damn fine job with my kids, if I do say so myself.  Maybe another chance at doing it absolutely right?  Won't I be a better Mom at 40 than I was at 20 and 25?  Mostly I think it is because being a Mom is all I have ever known.  My baby boy arrived when I was just 19 years old.  I grew up with him.  Being a Mom has defined me for 20 years and I don't know what I will do without being a Mom.  My baby will be off to college in a couple of years and that will be that.

My husband says "You'll still be a Mom forever".  Really?  Really?  Please shut the hell up.  You are not me.  You are not the Mom.  You do not ache to feel a child growing inside of you.  You do not yearn to nurse another hungry tummy.  You do not dream about the infant, toddler, and growing up years.  I want it all again.  I want the good and the bad.  The joys and the heartaches.  The fun and the sleepless nights.  I want.  I want.  I want.

And that my friends is the problem.  HE does NOT want, and want, and want.  
I do.  He doesn't.  End of story.  End of discussion. 

Here I am.  I will love my husband and forgive him for denying me the right to be a Mom again.  I will calm myself and focus my attentions elsewhere and eventually these feelings will fade.  I will be a Mom forever.  I will love those 2 munchkins with all of my heart.  Because they are my blessings, they are my heart,  and they are my very soul.  I will love them and someday?  Someday they will give me grandchildren.  *sigh*