Nov 6, 2009

And how's that workin for ya?

Hey there.  Did you every have the need to just rant?  Rant because if you hold it all in you might just implode?  Rant because the silence is deafening.  The gulf is wide.  The anger is your only friend.

I'm ok with that, anger being my friend, that is.  I am not ready to forgive.  I am reveling in my anger.  Right now it is keeping me strong and keeping you weak.  Do I want you to be weak?  Not necessarily, but maybe your weakness will be to you what your words were to me.  They were lonely.  They were stinging.  You suck.  Maybe my silence and unwillingness to forgive is too harsh, or maybe it is immature, or maybe it is stubborn.  Whatever it is, I dont' give a shit.  I will not apologize for my feelings.  I will not apologize for who I am. 

This is me.  This is who I have always been and it looks as if I won't be a'changin anytime in the forseeable future.  If you don't want to be my friend right now, that's ok.  I don't want to be yours either.  Forgiveness is a fickle bitch thing. Or wait, maybe that's me?  Maybe I will forgive, maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll choose to forgive eventually.  Who am I kidding?  I always forgive.  I just find it incredibly difficult to forget.  I try, it's just hard as hell.

Please think before you speak.  Take responsibility.  Realize who you are dealing with.  This is me remember?  The one who has been known to go off the deep end get a bit annoyed.  I may talk too much,  but I am damn good at silence.  Have fun with it.  My silence that is.  I know I sound harsh.  I realize I should forgive.  I've heard it all before:  "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”  Blah-dee-friggin-dah-blah-blah.  I don't care right now.  I really don't.

What am I trying to say?  Why am I rambling?  Because you have hurt me and I'm mad as hell.  I don't want the hurt to go away.  I don't want to be right or wrong.  It doesn't really matter.  I don't want to make up.  Right now I just want to be hurt, angry, alone, and free. 

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget;
the naive forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget".

And I've never been accused of being stupid or naive. When I am over it, you'll know. Until that time - you are on your own.  You don't like?  Pray for me.