She's been known to kill small animals.

So as I approach 40 my biological clock is winding down. I did have a brief moment of insanity a few months ago when I was yearning for yet another offspring to come forth from my womb. I must offer a sincere apology to my hubby who probably thought his crazy wife couldn't get any nuttier - he about had a heart attack! My "I want another baby" phase lasted about 2 weeks, and then I came back down to reality. The reality that I will be a youthful 42 when my youngest graduates high school. WooHoo! But for those brief 2 weeks I dreamt of having a baby (It's a girl!), and even dreamt of her name: Jensen. (which my teenage son so heartlessly informed me the next day is the name of an electronics company. Whatever!).

Once I realized that a new baby is not the direction my life should be going- I shifted my maternal instincts to the next best thing - a new kitten! I already have 2 cats, Josie (as in "the pussycats") and Ozzy (as in Osbourne) - both named by my daughter. I have wanted a kitten for a while now and have been hounding the hubby. Of course he doesn't want one. But just because he is in charge of the litter box, the A.M. feedings, and gets a cat between his feet while he sleeps at night, he thinks we can't handle another cat. Whatever! I want a gray one, male, shorthair, must be a kitten.

So this past Friday when I picked up my brother and my neice from the auto repair shop, they climbed into my minivan with 2 new, gray kittens. BASTARD! Is he trying to torture me? OMG! They are so cute, blue eyes and all. Which leads me to the point of my animal torture story - my 8 year old neice. She's so excited to have kittens. She can't wait for me to meet them, "The girl is mine and the boy is my sister's," she informs me. She proceeds to reach into the cat carrier, grab up the 6 1/2 week old kitten with rough hands, whack it's head on the way out of the cage, and love it, manhandle it, and never let it go! The cat lover in me was freaking out! "Be careful honey, she's just a tiny baby, you need to be very, very gentle with her". Needless to say that poor kitten was "loved" all the way home, and didn't stop meowing once.

I am now having visions back to my daughter's preschool days watching Tiny Toon Adventures, "I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever (and never use you up)". (As said by Elmyra Duff while squeezing her cat, Furrball, to death).

Fast forward 2 days. My brother and I are alone playing with kittens on his basement floor.


Me: "You really need to keep an eye on her. She's a little rough with the kittens".

Brother: "Do you think so"?

Me: "She whacked it's head, and she flops it around like it's a hackin Webkinz!".

Brother: "Well, she does have a history of killing small animals".

Me: (freaking out) "What the heck are you talking about?"

Brother: "You know, she's killed several hamsters or gerbils by holding them too tight and loving them too much".

Me: "If my precious neice kills a kitten, I may never look at her the same way again!"

Brother: "I guess I should talk to her, maybe?"

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME???




Elmyra Duff, complete with hamster skull on hair bow.